I was tired of finding excuses, I was tired of being a lazy ass. And I was ashamed…ashamed of what I had become…see, I always had problems with my weight…but until that day I never had a real problem with my weight…it never really bothered me…so all my attempts to lose weight was to satisfy other peoples feelings.

And that never really worked out for me…that’s the reason I never stopped smoking until I wanted it to do it myself…it was convenient that my work forbid smoking on the terrain itself at that time and that might have helped. One day, I just stopped and never looked back…until June 23rd 2012.

That day I went to an amusement park with some of my colleagues. People I respect and maybe care a little bit too much about their opinion of me…but then again…I want to be liked by everybody…which is stupid to begin with but I digress…

So, everything was fine and dandy(whatever dandy might be) until we got to a roller coaster named: “Joris en de draak” (Joris and the dragon). It’s a wooden rollercoaster…and to be honest, I really don’t like wooden roller coasters… (which is a whole other story but I digress again) but I didn’t want to be the spoilsport so I decided to join the queue with the others. We came to the carts themselves and right about there was the life changing moment…because they couldn’t close the safety bar…and I was asked to leave the cart…in front of lots of people…and my colleagues I had to wait outside…I never felt more ashamed in my life…but I guess that this is something I needed. I tried to hide it as if I didn’t really care that much…although I’m not sure how well that worked…and they all wanted to go back a second time…which meant I had to wait outside…which gave me 40 minutes to think about who I was and what I had become…I also started to smoke again…but that was just something because I felt I needed it…I quickly realized that I didn’t miss the smoking…I just needed it to get my mind of the fact that I was too fat and that my normal stress reliever (food) was not going to help with that).

I turned on my iPod and by random chance the first song that played was “Not afraid” by Eminem where he raps about giving up his habit of taking sleeping pills because he wanted to change. A couple of lyrics still mean a lot to me till this day:

When I say I’ma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, believe me you

(except in the last verse, clean would be changed to thin in my case )

In those 40 minutes I decided that I would become the person I envisioned myself to be. Physically and mentally
In those 40 minutes I decided that I was tired of my excuses to not be who I can be.
In those 40 minutes my life changed.

And yes, I’m not there yet, I have a long way to go and yes…there are some other reasons which might be considered superficial why I do what I do. And I know I’m taking risks and that I should be careful but for the first time in years I kind of feel pride in what I accomplished so far…I feel that I’m doing the right thing, for me.

So now…almost a year later…50 kilo’s lighter I think I’m ready to face that dragon…even though I’m deathly afraid of wooden roller coasters but I need to proof to myself and to others (yes, I am vain in that regard) that I’m not the same person I was last year. Wanna join?

E.

 
Obligatory picture of ze me.

 
Another waterfowl

 
I’d say something deep about the statement of pollution but I do not think that highly of myself

 
Turn your head to see this picture correctly…it reminded me of a tree I saw in AC3.

There must be some rule against benches in parks that they are not allowed to not been vandalized by people.

 
Yay, another duck

The Fabulous Wannabeatles. Great cover band. Apparently one of them lives close to me…go see them, they are awesome.

What kind of breed is this supposed to be?

 

Almost home

Glitch playing hide and seek, she’s angry at me because I let a girl in my house this morning…she’s not very font of females…and my dad apparently…I’m still trying to figure that one out…

 
I think these trees kinda look sad.

Snow, nice to look at, not nice to walk on.

Ah, memories! We used to have one in front of our home when I was a kid.

It’s a walk in the park.

I present: The Swan lake.

So yeah.

5. Miss Montreal – Giving up on you

So, I’m a big softie, I love sad songs and I’m a big fan of Miss Montreal, meeting her last year was one of the best things of that year. She’s awesome, a very talented singer and I’m a big fan.

4. 3 doors down – Kryptonite

I like this song because it always reminds me of one of my best friends. Not because of the lyrics or the band but mostly an in joke where I cannot even remember the origin of. It is also a kick ass song.

3. Dr Horrible/Penny – My Eyes

As a big fan of Dr. Horrible in general I could basically put all the other songs on this list and still be feeling quite good at the list. In the end it was a toss up between My Eyes or Brand New Day. I choose this one as I find this better shows the music tallent of NPH and also has Felicia Day in it…which is always a plus.

2. The Beatles – Help

Well, as I basically I got The Beatles force fed to me when I was a kid it should be no surprise that a Beatles song would make this list. I also like this song very much. Sometimes for more personal reasons, other times because it is nice to sing with.

1. Blur – Song 2

This should come as no surprise for someone who knows me for some time. I think that this is my favourite song period. It’s the song that makes me instantly happy, instantly awake and instantly makes me want to scream and shout the bizarre lyrics. But maybe that is because I got my head checked, by a jumbo jet. It is sure wasn’t easy, but nothing is.

So, this is the list, I hoped you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it but now, I have to go and work on my Valentine’s special for my rap and hip hop radio show for tomorrow (Valentine’s day…duh). So, catch ya later.